I'm an introvert. Don't get me wrong; I am also a teacher, a speaker, a performer, and a vocal advocate. Yet at the end of the day, I recharge either by myself, or one on one. I am absolutely comfortable in a situation where I can stay home, with no appointments or responsibilities beyond my personal four walls. I'm fine only leaving home to go to the grocery or pick up dinner from one of out local restaurants.
Please don't misunderstand; this is awful. It's a human calamity and my heart is breaking every day as sirens inevitably echo in the distance or another ambulance or fire truck drives through my neighborhood, lights flashing. I watch Governor Andrew Cuomo every day and feel sick thinking about my family and loved ones in New York and across the country. I'm in pain.
Yet it's also true that this situation has given me space for introspection, and I've rediscovered who I really am, beyond the world's expectations for me. I am a pleaser and a chameleon; I can be who you need me to be. During this time, however, I'm simply being...me.
As I've discussed on this blog, I suffer from a serious anxiety disorder. This is something I've been working through formally for twenty years, though I see now that it was present from very early in my childhood. After all, I was the kid whose stomach hurt so badly when the kindergarten class played duck-duck-goose, I ended up getting sent home sick from school.
In the past week, however, I've realized that this is the most mentally and emotionally healthy I've been in a long, long time. Am I worried about the virus? Yes. I'm concerned for my family, my friends, my co-workers, my neighbors, and the people I've never even met. But there is a difference between worry and anxiety. For me, anxiety manifests from fears that are not at all justified. This fear is justified, and so I can face it. It's hard to face something that doesn't exist.
I'm working from home, and I'm working hard, but without my hour and a half round-trip commute each day, I've come into some extra time. I take walks during my lunch breaks. I hug my kids when I go to refill my water between meetings. I read. A lot. I write. I binge watch RuPaul's Drag Race with my daughter.
And I spend time alone. I think a lot. As I've noted, 2019 kicked me harder than any year has. My heart was broken as I realized I had no option but to leave a job I loved. My new job was dissolved. My daughter was hospitalized. My "person", my Nana, was diagnosed with cancer and suddenly died of a heart attack. And all of that happened between August and December. 2020 began with a devastating diagnosis of one for the people closest to me. I started a new job, but then we left to work from home. Now here we are.
We all have a lot going on while it may seem nothing is going on. And that is just a touch of what I'm carrying right now. I know you're carrying a lot too. That's life. And I, like many of you, haven't had a chance to really process any of it. I go, go, go, and now I've had to stop. Yesterday I lay in a hammock in the backyard and looked up to the sky through the trees. For the first time, as I looked towards the heavens, I really allowed myself to think about the loss of my grandmother. The sun was shining; the clouds fluffy and floating smoothly through the perfectly blue sky. I felt peace.
And then I heard the sirens.
I've experienced so many moments like this in the last few weeks. This time is a struggle for everyone, but all of our struggles are different. And that's okay. My extroverted friends are suffering in ways I cannot imagine. Too many people have lost loved ones; too many still will. We're being divided even more than before, at a time when we need to come together to care for each other.
Let's love people. Let's create beautiful things for the world. Let's be careful. Let's wear our masks to show the elderly, immuno-compromised, weak, and afraid that we care. Let's encourage each other. Let's show gratitude to those who are saving us. Let's get ready to hug the heck out of each other. Let's love. Love, love, love, love, love. Take care of ourselves and each other. And above all, let us show kindness.
We can do this. Together.
Here are a few things I'm using to escape my worry:
RuPaul's Drag Race (I started on season one, and I'm almost caught up!)
The Masked Singer
Murder, Inc. podcast (OMG--a must listen!)
Disney Nature films
HGTV and Food Network (as always)
What I've Read:
Death and Other Happy Endings, Melanie Cantor
Drive Your Plow Over the Bones of the Dead, Olga Tokarczuk
Letters from an Astrophysicist, Neil DeGrasse Tyson
The Risen, Rod Rash
Once, Alice Walker**
Ritz and Escoffier: The Hotelier, the Chef, and the Rise of the Leisure Class, Luke Barr
Sold, Patricia McCormick**
The Hazel Wood, Melissa Albert
Red at the Bone, Jacqueline Woodson**
A Word for Love, Emily Robbins
Starting Over, LaToya Jackson
**My favorites of the bunch
I've also started a series on Facebook Live called "Time for Tea" where we'll be reading books and discussing writing and life. Our first book is Lord of the Flies...come join us! Just "like" my page, @meganprewittkoon on Facebook!
